Last year I spent approximately 2 months living in the centre of Paris, courtesy of a very generous friend who let me stay in her apartment while she was away. Despite my French being elementary (at best) and knowing almost nobody in the city I had an amazing time; I made friends, explored new places, revisited familiar ones and generally just enjoyed myself. I knew that Paris was a place I wanted to return to.
Unfortunately, despite being blessed with two passports, thanks to Brexit, I am no longer allowed to stay in the EU longer than 90 days without a visa. After plenty of research into visa options, I determined the easiest way for me to get back to France quickly was to become an au pair. The process, from initiating my search for a family, to arriving in Paris, took about 2 – 2.5 months total and was pretty straightforward! So, what’s it like now that I’m here??
Let’s caveat everything I say with the fact that I have been in the country a grand total of 9 days so far – things can and probably will change over the course of the next few months. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though, in fact there are definitely a few things that I hope will change for the better. First, let’s get into what I’ve enjoyed so far.
Firstly, I think I have been very lucky with my host family. Although I have no other Au Pair experience to compare it to, I have read some horror stories online that make me very grateful for the home I have been welcomed into. The parents both seem lovely and open, they go out of their way to make me feel welcome and are constantly asking if everything is okay and if there is anything I need. The kids too are pretty good. Don’t get me wrong, there have definitely been some teething issues, but let’s remember that they are kids getting used to a new person in their environment – a new person speaking another language no less! All in all they’re doing pretty well, and I have had genuinely sweet and enjoyable moments with each of them separately and together. I hope as we become more used to one another that these experiences increase and the difficulties lessen.
The other reason I am lucky with this family is that we understood very early on that our personal space is important to us. This meant they wanted me to live separately to them and the kids. From what I can tell, separate living situations is becoming far more normal among families with au pairs, however it is certainly not a given. For those who haven’t given much thought to the au pair set-up, living in house may seem like the most sensible arrangement. For one, if the au pair lives in the property then they have no commute, they get to know the family well, and they are fully immersed in the French family’s lifestyle. Certainly, there are benefits to living in the same household and for some au pairs and their hosts this will definitely be the best, or only, option. The main concern with this arrangement, for families and au pairs alike, is the complete lack of boundaries between “working” hours and “non-working” hours. For me, when my day is over, I simply leave the home – there is no confusion as to when I start and stop working.
While this is important for me, I genuinely think it is most important for the children. With the arrangement I have, there is no confusion as to when they can and cannot spend time with me, and what that time looks like. When I am at their house I am there to look after and spend time with them, when I’m not there they don’t think about me. This is a luxury a live-in au pair simply doesn’t have and no matter how good you are at boundary-setting, it’s unlikely to be easy to explain to a young child who wants to play a game that you’re not on the clock right now so they’ll have to wait until your next block of working hours. The arrangement also provides limited space for the au pair to explore the culture on their own terms. For young au pairs who have just left high school, this may be a better option as it will provide more safety and stability. Yet, I expect is likely to feel like a regression for people who have already lived outside of their own family home.
The last reason (that I will touch on today) that I am grateful for my family is that they have a very high level of English. Both parents of the family speak English to a level that allows us to communicate very easily with no confusion or misunderstandings. The eldest child also speaks very good English for their age, and is able to communicate all their needs, and to help me understand their sibling’s needs if they aren’t able to communicate them (the younger child has a much lower level of English comprehension and speaking). While this is not necessary for all au pairs, for someone like myself – whose level of French is only just enough to get by at a surface level – being able to communicate in my own language makes this initial period of change and adjustment so much easier. I do worry a little that because of this ease of communication in English, my French may not improve as much as I would hope. However, I think I would rather have to put in effort to find other ways of learning French, than to struggle with communicating with my host family and feeling lost and misunderstood. Especially in my first few weeks when everything is new and a little daunting!
Although there have been many many positives (many of which I haven’t even started to mention!), the first week in France hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows by any stretch of the imagination. After the first couple of days alone with the kids there was definitely a moment where I wondered if I was cut out for this job. Looking after someone else’s kids is tough. With two against one, there were a couple of moments where I felt I was being bested by two kids not even a third of my age. I know that as I settle in things will get easier, although I am sure there are more days ahead of me that will leave me questioning my decisions too!
In fact, specific struggles of the job aside, my biggest concern is whether this is something I should be doing with myself at this age. If you do any research on au pairs you’ll find that typically they are much younger than myself – in fact some countries have a cut off age of 26. At 28 I wonder if I’m too old to be doing this – not because I feel overly qualified, but because it’s certainly not the logical next step for me to take to advance my career in any way. It’s strange, because on one hand I feel so fortunate; I am living in a city I love, getting new cultural experiences, (hopefully) learning a new language, and I don’t have to work an office job with horrendous hours.
On the other hand, I can’t help feel sometimes that I am creating a gap on my CV that may not leave me with any skills transferable to a job I may want down the line, especially considering I don’t see myself transitioning into a career of child care. Even writing that down seems ridiculous – how could I worry about a gap on my CV if I get to do something that makes me happy? And yet I do… I do take some comfort in the idea that perhaps nobody my age really knows what they’re doing, or at least most of us don’t. At 28 I have friends who are settled with families and friends who are living at home, I have friends with jobs that require them to make life and death decisions and I have friends who are unemployed. In fact, I have so many people in my life who seem to have all their shit together, and yet if you ask them, most of them aren’t entirely sure of what their next steps are.
To get deep for a second, although I am still grappling with it and in fact may still be having this revelation as I write, I think that what this first week of au pairing has taught me is that there is no “right” place to be, at any stage in your life. If I am safe and healthy, in a position to spend time with people who I care about, and if I have time to do activities that I enjoy then maybe I should just relinquish the feeling of control and see what happens next.